


How do You Know What You Don't Feel if You Don't Know How to Describe the Feeling?

by Keewibeanie (orphan_account)



Series: BMC Drabbles and One Shots [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Aromantic Asexual Christine Canigula, Christine is aroace, Christine-centric, F/M, Gen, Me? Projecting onto Christine? Nah, One Shot, Swearing, and i love her so much, kind of, there's like one swear word, vent fic, whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-14 19:26:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11789847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Keewibeanie
Summary: Maybe she was an asshole for thinking what she was thinking, but she continued thinking about it anyway.  It started out with a small feeling inside her, but she wrote it off as butterflies in her stomach not giving it another thought.  That should've been the end of it, but the small feeling only grew until it swallowed her whole.  Throw in a couple random Google searches and vague comments to people and here she was at 1:24 in the morning thinking about how she had gotten to where she is.





	How do You Know What You Don't Feel if You Don't Know How to Describe the Feeling?

She had never really put too much thought into relationships. She never had a good reason to and her mind was already filled with thoughts and things she had learned.

There was maybe once she had looked at some LGBT terminology, albeit sparked from random curiosity from having nothing better to do at two in the morning. Despite knowing a bunch of different orientations, she was too focused with play rehearsal, classes, and too preoccupied with her thoughts to consider relationships, so she could never for sure point at something written on the internet and say, "yup, that's definitely me," and she didn't really care to. Until a little while ago.

Sometimes, she could be too kind for her own good, and maybe sometimes she was bad at confrontation and saying no, but here she was, thrown into a relationship. Maybe they could've call themselves good friends beforehand, but she wasn't sure where the line between platonic and romantic feelings was, it was a giant unreadable blur. So, she went along and it was all fine, everything started out great, until it wasn't so great anymore.

Maybe she was an asshole for thinking what she was thinking, but she continued thinking about it anyway. It started out with a small feeling inside her, but she wrote it off as butterflies in her stomach not giving it another thought. That should've been the end of it, but the small feeling only grew until it swallowed her whole. Throw in a couple random Google searches and vague comments to people and here she was at 1:24 in the morning thinking about how she had gotten to where she is. 

She might not be an expert on relationships, but she was pretty certain that she shouldn't be feeling obligated to hang out with a significant other, or feeling that feeling where you know you probably should do something because that's what other people do, but you just can't bring yourself to have the motivation to go or plan to do anything and-

Her thoughts flooded any empty spot in her mind, swallowing anything else in its way. She stared at her ceiling covered in glow-in-the-dark stars while soft instrumental music played from her phone beside her. The cacophony of her thoughts would not die down despite her desperately trying to push these feeling aside and save them for some other time. Although in the end she knows she'll just end up pushing them off more and more until it just snowballs into a huge mess she feels that she has to take care of alone, because who would be able to understand this mess that she is and has created. 

Her mind traced back to the texts she had received earlier that had been asking about their plans for the weekend. At the time she had prepared a reasoning for why she might not be able to respond which bought her time, but only until there was a second text about 8 hours later. While yes, she had many people to talk to and that would listen to her, she had a few reasonable doubts that they wouldn't provide any help to her issue. 

Because no matter what they could do or try, she doubted that they could fix her. While there was many things that she should try to tweak about her, most for her own health, this put the icing on the cake. Most of the things that made up her personality were fine and made her unique, but this didn't seem as normal to her as everything else she knew to be true about herself. She knew that there was probably some word for this, but in the moment she didn't have the mental room to think about it. 

Her fingers had entered her phone password and read back over the texts they had exchanged earlier and the two that she had no response to. She bit the inside of her cheek out of nervous habit, trying to sort through her thoughts and come up with a mostly logical explanation to all of this, despite most of this situation feeling so foreign to her.

She never really cared for all of the kissing, flirty talk, and stereotypical candlelit dinners, the thought of all of that was almost overwhelming. However, she was totally up for a little bit of platonic cuddling and hand holding here and there, but nothing much further than that. 

Anytime her friends had asked her in middle school and early high school who she had a crush on, she'd always just pick some random guy she had talked to often recently, hoping to move on from the subject. Then she just learned to ignore the question after other answers she had given had turned out less than stellar. She preoccupied herself with drama and the other fine arts to give herself a reason to not think about relationships and why she never felt anything for anyone while everyone around her was hooking up and falling in love. But then someone took an interest in her and she couldn't push away the inevitable break down that would've happened at some point in her young adult life. But actually going through it was much different that thinking about how it'll go.

She had always justified that she was only in high school and she should focus on drama and class instead of who she doesn't finds attractive. Her mind cleared up enough for her to pick out the words she was looking for ten minutes ago. Asexual and aromantic. Those words stood out among the rest she had discovered, but she push backed her feelings and left them for future her to deal with. Being future her, she didn't appreciate past her's actions, but she knew she would almost definitely keep pushing it if she could, but here she was, now 1:46 and not feeling tired at all while she questions her whole identity.

Those words both brought relief, fear, and guilt, and she didn't know which or what she was supposed to be feeling. She felt a relief as the feeling swallowing her released her and the weight on her shoulders got a little bit lighter. It was comforting to know that despite feeling it, she wasn't alone in this and she wasn't the only one who felt this way. She feared what this meant for everything she had done. Had she accidentally been leading someone on? Had she lied to that person as well as herself? Will she ever be really happy considering everyone around her spouting words of "sex is necessary for a healthy relationship" and taunts of "well you have to like _somebody_ , so who is it?" and twenty other indirectly belittling phrases? She also felt guilty about if she would have to break off what they had, considering they had given so much to be with her. But in the end, deep down she knew it would be for the better. She just had to come to terms with her new discovery and what she had to do. 

2:03 seemed a bit to late to reply to a text sent at 10, so she planned to tell them soon, but not yet, she'd let the calm before the storm linger a bit longer until she broke it off. Hopefully, knowing the two of them, everything would be fine and they could still be friends, but she could only hope so much for one person, and she didn't exactly have the time or paper to fold 1,000 paper cranes to wish for a clean break. But she felt a rare confidence in what she had discovered. Despite the whole thing being foreign and strange to her, she knew that no one could fix her, because she didn't need five fixed in the first place.

She was Christine Canigula, she was asexual and aromantic, and that was perfectly fine with her, and it would just have to be fine with everybody else as well.

**Author's Note:**

> It's 2:16 in the morning and while Christine can live peacefully, I don't know how my story will end, but for now I'll project onto fiction characters to sort my feelings out :)


End file.
